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Saturday, April 4, 2015

March 2015: College, Captain Trashbag, Poetry, and Looking for Alaska

I'm filling out forms for financial aid and attempting to send in my taxes to schools.
Amount of times that I had said "I'M GOING TO KILL IDOC/GMAIL/[Inset name of online finaid help program]" :

Amount of times I have said "I despise technology" : in the hundreds.
Amount of times I have cried out of stress: I don't want to talk about it.
This should not be this hard.

UPDATE: My Dad saw me yelling at my computer and crying because all of my forms were going to be late and said, "Yeah, technology's the worst."
And then we hung out and listened to The Mountain Goats on vinyl. So, it all worked out in the end.
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Overheard in the break room:
"I asked my boyfriend to go and get me some strawberries, and all he came back with were some ugly-ass sweatpants."

....That does sound like a problem.
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My Mom, today:
"Guys, I have this idea, and I think, when you have a creative idea like this, you really have to get in there and start it, you know? So, here it is, and I’m just spitballing here: one of you should start a YouTube channel, and your name should be Captain Trashbag. That can be your character. And I don’t even care what Captain Trashbag does, you just need to say ‘hashtag trashbag’ frequently. It can be your catchphrase."
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My brother said that he read a scene from MacBeth in his English class in which MacBeth leaves, and then, a minuet and a half later, reenters, and all that Ben could think was:

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I tried to explain the punishments on Vlogbrothers to my Mom today, and she is mildly confused, and majorly intrigued. 
"I mean, if you KNOW you're going to be punished if your video is longer than four minuets, wouldn't you just work extra hard to be sure that your video never goes over four minuets?" 
I don't know. John, Hank, care to explain?
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This is the single funniest thing I've read all day. 
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This video came out today.
I'm not really sure why Tom Hanks is in a Carly Ray Jepsen video, but I'm not complaining. This is magical, and Tom is a gift to this world.
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I just saw Hank Green on actual live television and I screamed.
Dad: *Skipping commercials*
Me: "OH MY GOD. IT'S HANK GREEN. GO BACK, GO BACK! IT'S HANK GREEEEEN!"
Dad: *Skips back, bewildered, and watches me watching the commercial like a crazy fangirl*
Dad: "Who even is this?"
Mom: "Her favourite person."
....He kind of is.
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Me: "Oh, it's really late, I should probably go to bed.
...What's Shia Labeouf been doing recently, though?"
*One hour later, STILL on Wikipedia*
"Man, Christy Carlson Romano, get it together and stop doing these direct-DVD-release horror films, you're better than that."
I need to stop jumping down these internet rabbit holes, it's becoming a problem.
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Me: I don't think I could even name three Kanye West songs.
Mom: Does he do the one about the closet?
Me: No, that's R. Kelly.
Mom: Okay, I'm out. That's the only recent rap song that I know.

...."Trapped in the Closet by R. Kelly. Released in 2005.
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Ben was telling my various stories about how a certain teacher at school (someone who comes down on people kind of frequently) dislikes him, and he began one story with "So, I was in chapel, and I was clapping during a song, but I was the only one clapping," and I was already laughing so hard that I couldn't breathe. Partially because I knew where this story was going, and it was going to be magical, and partially because I was picturing him as JD in this clip.  Which is a majestic moment in TV history.
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I saw a post on Tumblr that said "Had a dream just now that Macklemore was named TIME magazine’s Most Muggable Musician and he showed up at an interview to accept the award and they mugged him," and I'm still laughing. Comedy gold. 
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Apparently my Mom had a dream in which she was being chased around our backyard by a giant, six foot tall owl, but halfway through the dream, she realized that it wasn't actually a giant owl, it was really Marshall from How I Met Your Mother in an owl costume.
A day later, we were watching HIMYM and I remembered that and started laughing hysterically. I attempted, though gasping breaths and hysterical laughter, to tell my family about my Mom's dream. I couldn't get past "Mom had a dream about" without dissolving into hysterics, but the best part was that she remembered telling me about the dream, but SHE COULDN'T REMEMBER WHAT THE DREAM HAD BEEN ABOUT, so she was sitting there, in anticipation, like, "what did I even tell you?"It was a magical experience.
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I Want to Be Lara Buterskaya: a poem
They're making Looking for Alaska into a film
And I want to be
Lara Buterskaya

Okay, not really
But I'm letting myself pretend
That they might choose me to act as Lara
And that I could pull off a Romanian accent
Even though I probably couldn't
And they definitely won't.

There's just something about this book becoming a film
This book that helped to mold my life
This story that will always be a part of my story.
There's something about the expansion of that universe
That makes you want to be a part of it.

And there's something about Lara
A proud "Romaneean"
Who is still learning how to live her life in a different language
A girl whose best day also acts as her worst
Whose independence is at once her crowning achievement
And her deepest regret

I know that I won't be her
But I allow myself to consider the possibilities
Because after all
Imagining the future
Is a type of nostalgia
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My brother, after seeing a photo of Dan and Phil:
"Just two guys being gay! Actually, just one guy being gay, and the other guy being completely oblivious, goshdarnit, Phil."
UPDATE: I posted it on Tumblr and it's got the most notes of anything I've ever posted. Success?
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Kid at day care: I need some tape for my friend.
Me: Which friend?
Her: Me.
Well, at least she's honest about it.
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I promised
I wouldn't care
About college admissions
This year.

This year, I had resolved,
Would be nothing like last year
When I put my whole self into this
When I allowed my self worth to become tangled up in these results
And when, untimely,
The results destroyed any positive sense of self
That I had once had.

But,
When I saw the email,
When I received the link,
To the results from my first reach school,
I allowed myself to feel hopeful
I tried to suppress big feelings of excitement, of happy anticipation
In vain
And surrendered myself to them

It felt good
To hope again
To once again be that girl,
Who longed for the results
Who aimed high, who looked at college admissions ambitiously
And had no doubt
That everything would work out in the end

It's hard to believe
That I was she
Less than a year ago
I was hopeful, excited
Sure of my intellect and confident in my years of hard work
Why did I allow
The words of some snooty school
To destroy that?
Looking at the email,
I instantly resolve to reinstate that attitude
I am smart, I am confident,
And this will all
Turn out okay
In the end

I clicked the link,
Fingers crossed,
Spirit soaring
Heart overflowing with anticipation
Exciting at the small chance
The sliver of possibility
The idea that they might allow me
To join their community of scholars
To add to the conversation and life of their campus.

I click on the link,
Only to read of their regret,
Their sadness, their disappointment at having to inform me of such news,
Their hope that my future will overflow with brightness,
Although it will be void of their presence.

This time
Rejection wasn't earth-shattering
It did not destroy my hopes for the future
Make me question the validity of my education
Or cause an existential crisis
As it did in the past.
But it was still
Disappointing.
(UPDATE: I got into various awesome schools and everything was fine, yay).
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On this episode of "Attack of the 2004 Slang"

Me, answering phone: "Hello, this is Erin speaking."
Person: "This is Erin?"
Me: "It sure as heck is!"
Person: "....What?"
Me: "Yes. It's me. It's Erin. Sorry."
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Is Nick Jonas hosting the KCAs? What's happening?
I remember watching the KCAs in elementary school and seeing Josh Peck and Drake Bell give a speech. Obviously, this was the best thing ever.
UPDATE: He was hosting. I watched about 35 seconds of it, and it was pretty bizarre.
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My current jam, for some reason.
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If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Want to change the world?
There's nothing to it
-- Pure Imagination, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
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Emo music is rocking my world this month. I'm not even ashamed.
.....Okay, I'm a little bit ashamed.
This is Gospel was my meditation song last month. Like, I did my breathing exercises to it, and I would sing it in my head when I got stressed out. What is wrong with me.
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I'm reading Looking for Alaska, and the quotes are majestic <3
"Imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia...You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you'll escape it one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present."
 "I vaguely remember Lara smiling at me from the doorway, the glittering ambiguity of a girl's smile, which seems to promise an answer to the question, but never gives it."
(I wanted to add a bunch of quotes, but I dropped the ball, big time. There are a LOT of magical quotes in there, though! Read the book if you have time, it's so worth it).
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