Thursday, October 1, 2015

September 2015: Heartbreak, Cats, and Openness

My goals for right now:
Be open and honest
Do all things with love
Think about others and put them first
Show people that you love them and care about them.
Give and receive love freely. Love widely and naively.
Show everyone the respect and love that they deserve.
College evening activities: everyone sits around on Tinder. Minus me.
Always a fabulous time.
Sarah: "Erin, we're socializing! Except, you know, not in real life."
I'm not so good
At being vulnerable
And open,
Even though my life motto
Is "Be open, be honest,
Do everything with love."
It's bit silly, really,
That I have such a hard time with this.
I don't know why
But it's just not easy for me.
Never has been,
Never will be.

I don't know what I think will come out
With the torrent of honest words
Oh, well,
I guess I do
With my words will come
The honest truth
That I am not perfect
And that I have feelings
And struggles
And fears.

I'm getting better
At being vulnerable
Especially with you
You accept my honesty
And assuage my fears
I always know
That I was wise
To choose you
To hold my worries and thoughts and dreams.

But it sucks
That I'm dealing with big feelings
That my heart is filled
With worries, and dreams,
And love, and happiness,
Thoughts for the future
And confusion about now
And I can't
Share them
With you.

At least,
Not until we're both
Everyone here is so lovely <3 I feel very lucky to have found and inclusive and loving community here. I feel so happy here. I can be open with everyone, which is suck a relief, and a really, really lovely feeling.
Cerys: 'When I was a kid, I thought that Peter in the live-action Peter Pan was so hot. And Wendy."
This was me watching Paper Towns, like, Nat AND Cara are attractive as ever, man. Cerys understands my pansexual problems.
Overheard in the cafeteria:
A guy, loudly screaming, for some unknown reason, "God DAMMIT, TDR!"
What it's like to live at AU: I walked into the lounge today, to microwave some water, and four separate people screamed "FEEL THE BERN" at me.
Cerys is watching Pocahontas for a school project. She is grunting and making frequent sounds of disapproval. She is poised to drag these people.
"I'm going to triple check it five times" -- an actual phrase that I just uttered.
Rachel found this particularly amusing.
Me: "Rebekah, what are you having?"
Rebekah: "A bacon cheeseburger. I'm a terrible Jew."
JC and Ben came today. Ahh, my heart feels so full <3 We had such a lovely day.
I feel a tiny bit empty when JC leaves, though. Urg. if only they could stay here forever.
I'm getting kind of tired
Of Schrodinger's Cat, actually.
I know, I know
That for years, I praised it.
When letters arrived from colleges
Announcing my acceptance or rejection
I collected them, and placed them carefully on a shelf,
and waited.

Was I accepted or rejected?
I reveled in not knowing,
In living in the state of limbo
Where both things could at once be true
And I was free to dream
As boldly as I dared to dream

But now,
I'm feeling less thrilled
With that darn cat.
Because dreaming, and imagining the future
It's lovely
And it makes me feel happy, and content
Full of love, and filled with anticipation for the future.

Or does it?
These things could happen, I guess
My life could turn out
Much as I imagine
But these are but the shadows of what might be
And behind them
Lies the melancholy possibility
That the cat is dead
That you haven't fallen
In the way that I have
And that my irreparably fallen self
Will have to pick up the pieces of my shattered dreams
(And my shattered heart, the dramatic part of me insists)
And try to piece my life
Back together again.

These dreams are lovely
But they are not reality.
I want to know
You dreams, and your feelings
Even if they might
Be hard to talk about.

Is the cat dead or alive?
I'll never know, until I open the box.
And opening the box is scary.
But I want to know the truth.
Current mood: Listening to She by Dodie Clark and crying.
Everything kind of sucks right now. I feel really dull and everything aches.
I'm being so overdramatic. But right now...doesn't feel too good.
The cat is dead.
The cat is so dead.
I wanted to know about
That darn cat
And it turns out
That I would have been better off

Because the cat is dead
And I,
Who am so irreparably fallen,
Have finally hit the ground
And I have shattered
And it doesn't
This song just came out, and I am feeling it right now. Ugh, Troye, how did you know.
It's....fairly applicable to me right now. Which is unfortunate.
(In other news, I am a huge drama queen).
I can't help but feel
That this whole situation
Is completely
My fault.

 I tried to stop it
I told myself
That it would end poorly.
I can hear my past self chastising
"You didn't listen to me, did you?
And now look at what's happened.
You might have ruined your friendship
And you heart
Is a little bit broken
And who can you blame?
Only yourself."

My life motto
Is to love openly and freely
And not to worry
About how it will hurt
Isn't it?

The pain now
Doesn't feel too good
And loving openly
Has made this so much worse
Than it would have been.
But I'm not giving up
I will give out love
Openly and freely
Of what
M (from school) invited me over to have tea with her, and a group of other people, tomorrow. If she's not there, I'm just going to be like

Friday, September 18, 2015

A Completely (Ab)normal Day

A post I wrote months ago and just discovered:
The kiddos and I had a pretty calm day today, and it was honestly so lovely.
We hadn't gone in the creek at all this summer. Adora and Juno had been asking for a while, but the grass was mega tall, and I didn't want them to get ticks. Finally, after a lot of begging and pleading, my younger brother took his riding mower down and mowed the grass for me, so that this week, we could go down and enjoy the creek.
We swam for a while, finding areas of different depths, discovering acorns floating in the river, and glimpsing special rocks buried deep in the creekbed. In a sandy bank, we found some seaglass, and at first sight, the kiddos were hooked. We spend a good half hour looking for seaglass in the riverbed, and we found a lot of pretty and interesting pieces. Juno, especially, enjoyed finding these treasures in the creekbank. She excitedly dashed around, shouting with joy every time she found one. A girl after my own heart -- I have jars and jars of seaglass that I have collected on the beach.
After finding seaglass, we continued walking through the creek. "I'm Miss Adventure, follow me!" Adora announced, before bringing us on a creek-stomping adventure. We returned to the house, eventually, as Juno was getting cold, but I think that if it had just been Adora and me in the creek, we might have stayed for hours.
 After we came back from the creek, I set Juno up in my room with lots of soft towels and a pile of warm blankets while I ran a bath for Adora.
I put on a record for Juno (Tallahasse by The Mountain Goats -- her choice) and ran into the other room to help Adora set up her bath. After some digging around in the bathroom, I found an unused bath bomb, which I allowed Adora to use in her bath. This, of course, thrilled her to no end. We talked about how there are many different kinds, and I told her that I would see if I could find some special ones on Etsy for Esther Day, but she doesn't know -- she is going to be so excited).
When I came back to my room, Juno was lying down, wrapped up in blankets, and relaxing music was planing on the turntable. She rubbed her eyes and told me that she was going to sleep.
Juno rested, eventually both girls had a warm bath, we went back downstairs and played games, and read books together. It was just such a lovely day.
I feel so lucky to be able to spend time with these awesome small people, and to enjoy peaceful and fun days like these.

Saturday, September 5, 2015

August 2015: I Do a Crappy Job of Blogging

Current Jam: Pextatonix Daft Punk mashup/remix 
I'm so obsessed with Pextatonix lately. I don't even know why. I mean, WHY NOT.
Things that I should be doing:
So many
Things that I am doing:
Reading fanfiction
I'm so ashamed.
This is literally all I wrote this month. God Bless.
I started school! My roommates are phenomenal and queer and feminist and amazing.
School is fantastic. I can openly be myself here, and it is such a wonderful feeling. I am so, so very happy.
I miss JC a lot. And they miss me (!!), so, you know. That makes me feel happy.
Everyone here is cool and loving and open and friendly. I am so lucky to have them all in my life.
...That's it. I'm sad? Will add pictures:
At school! Whee~ 

First week of school! Lots of fun.

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

10 Ways to Learn from Everyday Life (Inspired by My Life in Japan)

Welcome to the August 2015 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Life Learners
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have talked about how they continue learning throughout life and inspire their children to do the same.
I firmly believe that we can learn from everyday life.
Last year, I was an exchange student in Japan; I went to a Japanese school, I lived with a Japanese family, and I experienced Japanese life. I was constantly learning; everything in my life was fresh and new. I didn't have to work at all to learn new things; in everything that I did, I was learning. In some ways, people who unschool approach schooling with a similar philosophy: children are surrounded with learning opportunities, and they constantly pick things up through modeling in experience. I think that this kind of learning doesn't have to stop when you're small. When I was abroad (and was, in some ways, learning how to do life over again), I leaned a lot of ways to carry this kind of learning into adulthood, and I wanted to share some of my tips with you guys! I wrote a lot of tips (I shamelessly like to talk about myself), so, for your reading ease, I have the tip in bold at the top, and then a bolded summary at the bottom (if it's tl;dr). Here they are, in no particular order:
1. Show up/Say Yes
In Japan, one of my rules for myself was that, if I were invited to any kind of outing or activity (minus anything that would put me in a compromising position/made me uncomfortable/would be dangerous), I would say yes, even if I wanted to say no.
I was almost always game for anything in Japan; I had been dreaming of living there for so long, and I truly wanted to experience everything that I could. But sometimes, I would come home from school, exhausted from a day of translating everything that was going on around me. Someone would invite me to go and do something, and I would want to say no. Not because I didn't want to do the thing itself, but because I was worn out, and slightly overwhelmed and I just wanted to sleep. But every time, I made myself say yes.
 I did these activities and went to these places, even though I was worn out, and I am so, so glad that I did. I got to experience so many special things-- experiences that I would have missed if I had said no.
Since I came back to America, I don't use this rule all of the time, but sometimes, someone will invite me to go somewhere, and, even though I'm tired, and I don't want to go, I go. And every time, I learn new things, have new experiences, and meet new people.
Recently, my friend called. Her partner was using the car, and she needed to buy new nappies from the market. It was 10:30 at night, and I really, really didn't want to go. I was exhausted. But, I went anyway, and I got to hold her baby, and to talk to her, and to learn about her life as a new mother. If I hadn't gone, I would have missed out on all of that.
When I say "yes", I always learn something new.
Caveat: I'm a big believer in saying no when you need to, so obviously, with this rule, use your best judgement, and do what's safe for you. 
Book club -- something I may not have done if I hadn't been following my "always say yes" rule. It was one of my coolest experiences abroad. We read a book about a Japanese woman who came to live in America (Daughter of a Samurai, for anyone interested), so, my classmates interviewed me about being an American woman living in Japan (and dressed me up in kimono, because why not).
2. Utilize Free Moments
I find that, any time that I have a free moment during which I could possibly be actively learning something, I waste it messing around on the internet, or lying around and doing nothing productive. Please tell me I'm not the only one.
This happens to me on a daily basis:
"Cool! I have a free hour! I should do my Japanese flashcards. I'll just check my email first..."
*Mindlessly scrolls Tumblr for the entire hour*
Although technology is super distracting (at least, to me personally), it's also full of amazing resources that can help maimize your learning during your free time.
If you're interested in making better use of your free time, there are tons of amazing resources available. YouTube videos and podcasts are great; I really like Sci Show and Crash Course, because the videos are interesting, funny, and short (and because I love John and Hank Green, so, so very much). You could throw one up on your phone while you wait for the train, while you stand in line at the grocery store, or during any time that you have a free second.
 If you're with your kids, Sci Show and Crash Couse both have super cool children's versions of their shows, which I highly recommend! Although they're for kids, I always learn something new from them.
If you're not feeling videos, or you don't want to use technology, make yourself some foreign language, science, or (insert your personal interest here) flashcards! I make my own Japanese flashcards and carry them around with me everywhere. When I have a free second, I pull the out and study them! It's super effective.
Use your free time wisely; watch a video, use flash cards, learn something new.
3. Raise Awareness
This is such a pretentious-sounding thing to say, but seriously. I find that, the more aware you are of your surroundings, and the more you take in, the more you learn.
When I was abroad, I was constantly taking in everything. I wanted to see it all, understand it all, and remember it all. Things that were totally normal to Japanese people were mind-blowing to me. Every second of the day, I was reading everything around me, looking at every building, asking to know what everything around me was. I stopped to smell every rose, quite literally.
I don't have nearly this much curiosity about my home country, but, since I've been back, I've been trying to see it with a similar curiosity. After all, there are tons of things that I don't know about my home city. Why not take the time to try and learn them?
What's in that building down the street from your house? What's the name of that river you drive over every day, or the bridge you use to do so? How about the flowers in your garden; do you know their names? I could answer all of these questions and more about my home in Japan, because I was always asking them, and yearning to know the answers.
  You can learn so much by being aware of what is around you and asking questions. 
A photo my host sister took of me getting overly excited about a gourd
Getting hype about cake (what can I say? I like food)

4. See Everything as a Learning Experience 
I had a few months in between when I came back from Japan and when I started working again when I was kind of in limbo, and, when I first came back, I (very pretentiously) decided to try and find ways to learn from "life experiences".
Sometimes, this meant actively going out and trying new things (traveling to a new city, making something, ect), but, most of the time, it meant looking at frustrating situations in my life and saying, "Well, at least this is a new life experience!"
There was a small period of time when, due to transportation issues, I had to walk about a mile and a half to work every day. This was in January, in Pennsylvania, so, it was snowy and extremely cold. But, every morning when I tied on my scarf and braced myself for the freezing weather, I forced myself to silently think, "Life experience! I never walk out in the snow, so I'll see a lot of new things today! I wonder what I'll discover." I got to find new things that I would not find normally, and experience thing that I would not have, if I hadn't had to walk. Even though this wasn't the most pleasant thing I have ever done, I can honestly look back and say that I had gained a lot of positive learning experiences from my walks to work. Sometimes, I learned how to walk back out into the snowy landscape and frantically search for the ballet flats I had planned to change into (which had fallen out of my purse on the way to work), only to come back defeated, and have to explain to the children in my preschool class why I would be spending the entire day wearing wet snowboots. Okay, maybe I don't look back at ALL of the experiences with fondness.
When you see everyday happenings as learning experiences, I genuinely think that you learn more from them. Changing a diaper? Think about how amazing you've become at changing diapers since you've had a baby. You're a master. That's knowledge that you have gained. Are you driving somewhere new today? Awesome! You're learning a new route, and seeing things that you haven't seen before. Everything in life is a learning experience, and I find that, the more I try to see it that way, the more I end up learning.

5. Actively Participate in Life 
When I attended Japanese school, the temptation to just zone out in class was so strong; trying to understand what was going on in class took a tremendous amount of energy, and it would have been way easier to zone out and let my mind wander. But I didn't. I focused, I took notes, and I actively participated in everything that was happening. Spoiler alert: I learned a lot about Japanese culture, I made a deeper connection with my classmates and teachers, and I learned a ton of Japanese! In the end, I was so glad that I forced myself to pay attention to what was going on.
It's so easy to zone out and let learning opportunities pass you by. Choose to be an active participant in you life. Drink some water, meditate, whatever it takes -- try to pay attention to the learning opportunities that are around you all of the time!  
With some classmates at school 

6. Seek out new experiences
In Japan, it was easy to find new experiences, because everything I did was new -- no seeking necessary. Even walking down the street and seeing what was around my neighborhood was fresh, exciting, and special. I reveled in the new smells, sights, and sounds. However,it can be harder to do this in your home country; you've lived there for your entire life, and you've already experienced a lot there. But there are always new things to do and try, and new experiences are learning experiences!

My friend Alissa is particularly good at finding interesting places to go with the kids for whom she nannies. They always seem to be going to a cool museum that she's discovered, a beautiful park, or a new theme park. She finds many cool places where they can go and learn together. It's awesome!
Have you ever been to Philadelphia or Chicago (insert the name of a big city near you here)? Have you been to that museum in your town? How about that foreign grocery store down the street? Go and check these places out! You can see things that you haven't seen, and you can learn in these new environments.
Channel your inner Alissa; find cool new places to explore, and soak in learning from these new environments. 
7. The internet is your friend
Again, technology is cool. Videos, podcasts, blogs, apps -- find what works for you, and use it to learn!

8. Everyone has a story -- learn from them!
I believe that one of the best ways to learn is to discover new things from people around you. Everyone around you has a story; they know things that you don't know, that have experienced things that you can only imagine, and they have a perspective on life completely different from your own. When you stop to talk to new people, you learn more about them, and about the world.
In Japan, I talked to everyone whom I met. I wanted to become fluent in Japanese while living in Japan, and I also wanted to meet and interact with as many people as possible. Talking to everyone with whom I came into contact helped me reach both of those goals, and also helped me learn a lot about Japanese culture.
Interacting with new people was a lot easier when I was living in Japan. I saw hundreds of people at school every day, and, because I was the only exchange student at my school, people thought that it was kind of glamorous to be able to talk to me (which is laughable, but true). Although it's not as easy to do this in your home country, think about how many people you come into contact with every day; store clerks, strangers in line at an event, other parents at the playground. Try striking up a conversation with one of these people! I find that, every time I make the effort to talk to a stranger (whether it's the clerk at the grocery store, a friend of my brother's, or someone new online), I benefit. I learn a new perspective, I discover something interesting about that person's life, or I gain a new friend.
If you're someone who has trouble striking up conversations like this, but who wants to become better at it, I find that it helps to be outrageously polite and friendly, and to compliment the heck out of people (people like compliments). These are basically common sense, but they work.
 Next time someone is bagging your groceries or waiting in line next to you at an event, try talking to them. You might learn something new. 

With some classmates in Japan

9. Make deeper connections
On the flip side, maybe you're not so into chatting up random strangers -- that's totally understandable. It's not everyone's thing. Although these small connections can be a cool way to learn from other people, deeper connections are a great way to do this, too. Find a few close friends, and make it your goal to become closer to these people; how much do you really know about them and their lives?
 In Japan, I always asked people questions so that they would talk to me (I have no shame and I wanted to talk to people). I wrote some questions that you can use to spark conversations with friends:
1. In what moment were you the happiest that you have ever been?
2. Which colour reminds you the most of yourself?
3. Why did you choose your children's names? Are there stories behind them?
4. Which countries have you visited? Which was your favourite, and why?
5. Did you like high school/university? What were your favourite/least favourite parts?
Or, if you're not feeling, that, you could do a fun game/app together, I like The Seven Second Challege (which would be amazingly fun for kids, as well), but there are lots of fun options.
Get to know your friends more deeply. Ask questions and enjoy their company as fully as you can.
With my most sister in Japan. I connected with her by constantly interrogating her about her life (which, bafflingly, worked, and we're now friends).

10. Take your kids!! 
You're not the only one who can learn things from everyday life! Your kids can learn right alongside you. Then, not only to you get the joy of learning something new, you also get to see your kids learning and growing with you.
A bonus eleventh tip: No pressure! Life is not a competition, in which you have to learn as much as you can. You don't have to follow my crazy setps, or anyone's crazy steps, unless you like them and they work for you. Just do the best you can, and figure out what works best for you.
I hope that all of this helps you guys as you work on learning from everyday life! If you have any questions, please throw them in the comments!
If you want to learn more about my trip to Japan (i.e, if, for some reason, this post of pretentious ramblings really tickled your fancy and you WANT MORE), you can check out my Japan Journals! They're numbered, and they all have "Japan Journal" in the title, so, they're pretty simple to navigate.
How do you learn from everyday life? Let me know in the comments! I'm always looking for tips. 
Carnival of Natural Parenting -- Hobo Mama and Code Name: MamaVisit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting! Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
  • The Financial Advice That Saved My Marriage — Shortly after they got married, Emily at Natural Parents Network and her husband visited a financial planner. Many of the goals and priorities they set back then are now irrelevant, but one has stuck with them through all of the employment changes, out-of-state-moves, and child bearing: allowances.
  • Lifelong Learning — Survivor at Surviving Mexico--Adventures and Disasters writes about how her family's philosophy of life-long learning has aided them.
  • Inspiring Children to be Lifelong Learners — Donna from Eco-Mothering discusses the reasons behind her family's educational choices for their daughter, including a wish list for a lifetime of learning.
  • Always Learning — Kellie at Our Mindful Life loves learning, and lately she's undertaken a special project that her family has been enjoying sharing with her.
  • We're all unschoolers — Lauren at Hobo Mama embraces the joy in learning for its own sake, and wants to pass that along to her sons as she homeschools.
  • My children, my teachers Stoneageparent shares how becoming a parent has opened doors into learning for her and her family, through home education and forest school.
  • Never Stop Learning — Holly at Leaves of Lavender discusses her belief that some of the most important things she knows now are things she's learned since finishing "formal" schooling.
  • Learning is a Lifelong Adventure — Learning has changed over time for Life Breath Present, and she is more excited and interested now than ever before.
  • Facebook: The Modern Forum — Dionna at Code Name: Mama explains why Facebook is today's forum - a place where people from all walks of life can meet to discuss philosophies, debate ideas, and share information.
  • 10 Ways to Learn from Everyday Life (Inspired by my Life in Japan) — Erin at And Now, for Something Completely Different offers tips she learned while living in Japan to help you learn from everyday life.

Monday, August 3, 2015

On Feeling Like You Might Kind of Suck

So, I'm writing this out, in the hopes that I can find others who can commiserate with me, or that, somehow, if I write it out, I will feel better about the situation.
Recently, I feel like I SUCK at being a nanny, and at taking care of kids. I just feel like I majorly suck at it.
I feel like I am not patient enough with the girls. Too often, I feel like I get frustrated over something that really doesn't matter at all.
I feel like maybe I don't do a good enough job explaining things to the girls, that too often, I'm tired, and I'm focused on too many things, and my explanation is not full enough, not good enough. That, when answering tricky questions, when considering "if I explain it this way, would that be a statement that your parents would agree with/be okay with?" I lose the explanation that I really wanted to give.
When I have the girls choose an activity or craft instead of doing free play, I feel like I'm doing a bad job because I'm forcing them to do something, instead of following their lead.
When I follow their lead, I end up feeling like we aren't doing anything productive, and that we really should be doing something.
But, I KNOW that none of this is true.
I know that these thoughts come from some part of me that thinks that I am NOT good enough,
I know that I am crazy patient with the girls, that, even when I am frustrated, I never yell. That I always speak in a fairly calm and sweet voice. That my most frustrated statement is usually, "Okay, like I said before, right now I am working on something with your sister, but if you wait a minuet, I can help you with what you need, okay?" in a slightly harried voice. That, even though I sometimes slip up and say something that could have been phrased better, for the most part, I stay pretty calm. But, COULDN'T I BE DOING BETTER? Why is my voice ever harried? Why am I ever frustrated? Why can't I be a goddess-like paragon of patience and virtue?
Because no one can be. I'm working of being patient, on being loving, on being the best that I can. It's hard. No one is perfect.
I know that when it comes to activities, I'm struggling with my personal desire to keep a schedule. And honestly, this summer, I have been doing a pretty good job of veering from our general schedule, and going with what the girls want to do. Things have been a little bit hectic this summer, and we have had a lot of changes, but, as a unit, we've mostly been going with the flow, and we've had a pretty awesome summer. I should be happy with what we've done. I've let go of a lot of my personal desire for control and schedule, even though it has not always been easy for me. The girls have had tons of opportunities to explore their interests in ways that they enjoy, and we have done many, many cool and fun things this summer.
Drawing with chalk (one of our summer activities)

Celebrating Raksha Bandhan

As far as working with tricky questions, I've been doing the best that I can. The parents for whom I work are amazing, kind, and super cool people, but they use a parenting style that is drastically different from mine, and their general worldview is extremely different from mine, as well. Sometimes this is difficult, but I've been doing the best that I can, considering the circumstances.
I know these things. I know that I'm doing my best.
I love the kiddos that I watch. The are sweet, intelligent, fun, creative, and lovely kids. I am so, so lucky to be able to spend time with them. I treasure the hours that we spend together. I enjoy watching them play and grow. And I know, at least hypothetically, that I am doing a good job caring for them.

And yes, there's that nagging voice. You known the one.
The one that says, "You aren't good enough. You could be doing so much better. You sucks at taking care of kids. You're going to be a horrible mother someday. You should never even have children."
I hate that voice.
But some days, it's really, really hard to make it go away.

Monday, July 6, 2015

July 2015: I Want to be Bold and Brave and Foolish

This is my jam right now, for some reason. I'm on a Mountain Goats kick right now (John Green has been sharing one Mountain Goats per every day recently, in anticipation of the Paper Towns premiere, and it's amazing. I love this song, but I wish it were about 10 minuets longer (I'm constantly having to switch windows so that I can play it again).
And the Chicago Cubs will beat every team in the league/
And the Tampa Bay Bucks will make it all the way to January/
And I will love you again/
I will love you/
Like I used to
Went to see Me and Earl and the Dying Girl today, and it was golden.
Adora was talking about something about which she's really excited, and she said "the future is now," so, she officially talks like I do. Which is great.
Adora was concerned that I would forget something today, so she told me, "Write it on your hand. You'll never remember unless you do."
...I mean, she's right about that.
I gave Juno my Dad's old iPhone today (it's completely dead), and she held it in her hand for a while, and kept looking at it expectantly, as if somehow, someway, it was going to start working.
Today, I gave Adora a necklace that I bought in Japan. I was kind of concerned that she might lose it, and I really like it, so I said something like, "Okay, will you be careful to keep track of it when you take it off?" She responded, "I'm never taking this thing off!"
Oh, my goodness. Day made <3
Bold and Brave and Foolish
I am divided
Into two halves
The bold and brave
And the calculated and careful
The calculated and careful
Is much larger, much more pronounced, and much, much louder
“Being bold and brave is foolish,” it tells me
"You’re going to ruin your friendship
And end up
With your heart ripped out
And stomped on
And that girl
Is going to destroy you."
“Keep yourself safe,” it chides,
“You will hurt her, and yourself.
Only pain will come from this.”
But the bold and the brave –
It’s hopeful, and it’s imaginative,
And it says, it its still small voice,
“Take a risk! 
Think of all the good
That could come to you
If you are open, and honest,
If you share your love fully and entirely
If you tell her how you feel
Even though you are terrified.”
And although the careful part of me is loud,
The part of me that is irreparably fallen
Wants to be bold
And brave
And foolish.
This is my current jam. Yay, representation!
Thanks, internet, ILY. 
I had a dream today, and it was magical.
In it, Adora, Juno, and I went on some sort of adventure (one which I completely cannot recall now, of course). After the adventure, we went back to my house, and I took Juno up to the bunk beds, where we read together. She instantly fell asleep, at which point, Adora and I retreated to the downstairs, where we watched The Mindy Project with Mindy Kaling herself, somehow. It was a magical experience.
I told Adora about this, and she thinks it's hilarious.

Friday, July 3, 2015

June 2015: SCOTUS Gives Me Life, and other Amazing Happenings

This came up on my Tumblr dash in an astrology post, and I thought that it was really sweet:
CANCER: you deserve to shine as bright as you possibly can, you deserve to see the stars, and taste galaxies, and love someone who knows what that word means. you deserve so much, much more than i’ll ever be able to give. but i will give it up anyway. no more regrets. dance a lot to loud music, and sleep with your entire body and soul, take care of yourself in the most gentle way you know how. i want you to have fun. go out and do something only mildly reckless. i want you to find stories, to tell, to write, to capture, to paint, to sing half badly at the top of your lungs. you are so lovely. none of these words will ever be enough to tell you how grateful i am that you are here.
Feeling cynical today, so:
Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love. ―Neil Gaiman
I need to stop saying that I want to marry things/people. I'm turning into Maeby. 

People who I have said that I wanted to marry in the last 24 hours:
Dodie Clark (because duh)
The person who runs the Creepy, Abandoned Chi-Chi's blog
The guy in the "How Alt-J Makes Music" video who sits there the entire time, eating rice cakes. 
Hey, guys, holla at me. the four of us could have a beautiful life together. 
All I really want this summer is to go to a creepy, abandoned Chi-Chi's. That's all I need. 
I want to make a list of thing this month that are making me happy (specifically stuff with Adora and Juno) Here we go!:
Making soap with the chikadees, and them deciding to sell it and give the proceeds to charity. 
Cuddling with Juno and watching movies
Building forts and reading with the girls
Hiding (and finding) the Friday Box
"I wish we had that box EVERY Friday!"
Juno finding happiness after she has been disappointed
Days when Juno surprises me, and is okay with things that I thought would make her bubble over with frusteration
Days when I keep my cool, even though she is angry/crying/yelling, and help her through these moments
When Adora reads out loud to us from books
Doing pretty much ANYTHING with JC; specifically, watching Mad Max and ALL of Unbreakable last time we hung out was awesome <3 
Seeing Kristian tonight!! It's been too long, and I am so excited to see her again. 
Finishing my DIY sling! And taking about 50000 pictures in it
Conversation with Juno today (about this video):
Juno: "The person who is married to Sara Barellis is really lucky."
Me: "I agree! Sara is so awesome and talented."
Juno: "I would totally go to the grocery store if I could meet Sara."
Me: "Me, too, it would be amazing. What if she did a concert around here, and we went, and then we get to meet her? What would you do?"
Juno: "I would scream!"
Really well-phrased words from Tumblr ( 
"how can you be mad at new words, we’re so starved for ways to describe ourselves and see ourselves how are you gonna be prissy about more nuance and exploration and understanding, did y’all never go through that phase of i don’t know what i am but it’s something wrong
compulsory heterosexuality is a hell of a drug but that’s not our fault, homophobia is murder but that’s not our fault, stop blaming kids for being confused or in the closet. how do new terms and understandings do anything but help that?"
The SCOTUS granted marriage equality in the United States today, and I am so, so happy.
Ben came to pick me up from Adora and Juno's today (I don't access the internet for personal use when I'm with the kids) and told me in the car, and I shrieked with joy and danced around (and may have shed some joyful tears). I'm honestly so happy right now. Four for you, America. You go, America.
This obviously isn't everything, and we have a long road ahead until we achieve full equality in our society, but this is a move in the right direction, and it's just really bringing out the love this week. Facebook just feels like a giant party, everyone is celebrating, and it's so great. Love is just radiating out from everywhere, and I'm honestly feeling so happy and fulfilled. Today, something that was wrong in the world was righted. Thank you, SCOTUS. Thank you.
I was hanging with the weeacrew yesterday, and we had the following conversation:
Den: '"I went to a party last week, and there was an awkward silence, and someone said, 'every time there's an awkward silence, a gay baby is born,' and it just took me back six years, like, I hadn't heard anyone say that since middle school."
JC: "Man, there must have been a lot of awkward silences for all of us to be here in this room right now."
It was a beautiful moment.
The week after the SCOTUS decision has been magic for me. Oh, my goodness, I have been overflowing with love and happiness. I just feel so validated and happy. And it's beel like a coming-out fest during the last week, which has been amazing, and so many people who I knew in the past have shown their support for the LGBTQ+ community, and my heart is so full. Chloe came up to me the other day and told me how happy she was about the decision (and I'm not even out to her XD But I have been celebrating very openly on FB), and that made my week. It's just been lovely.
Quotes from the person who sat next to me at college orientation:
"I'm like a ho, expect for water."
At one point, the powerpoint read, in huge lettering, "What will YOU do at XYZ college?" They said under their breath, "Be hella gay."
"Basically all you need to know about me is that I'm a ho in every sense of the word. I'm an art ho, I'm a water ho, I'm a ho ho...ho. I'm a Christmas ho."
We wrote "Six Word Stories" about ourselves. They wrote, "I like puns, they are funny," and then ellaborated with, "See? IT'S A PUN. Because my pronouns are they, and I'M HILARIOUS."
All I can think now is "punception."

I just learned the word "groutfit." It's when you wear a grey sweatshirt with grey sweatpants. That's your groutfit. There's a word for this. Bless modern times.
I saw something cute in a music video today and said "Aw!", and Juno instantly asked, "What? Did you see a baby?"
She knows me too well.